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3 hat’s just the start of our holiday menu, which also offers a tasty meringue? I I SI s A man went to see his lawyer about divorc ing his wile. I can't take it," 4k I n stead of divorcing her, why don't you just charge her ev ery time she wants to make love? ur out a men s An ardst aspect me gallery owner n mere been any interest in his paintings currently on display, JYe got good news and had news,” the own- er replied, "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. ” f guy was your doctor.” A I milder, a clergyman and a politician stood outside the pearly gates, waiting for admission.

called The Genius Waitress, whipped up by nov- elist Tom Rabbins, whose most recent book is Skinny Legs and AH. ” the lawyer suggested, I he exhausted husband decided to give the plan a try. When I told him it would, tie bought all fifteen ol your paintings,” ""['hat's wonderful! ‘T m sorry, gentlemen/' Saint Peter said, "but the gates are broken.” I lie bmlflri limiirdiuiclv offered to repair i In in 1 1 'i I m "W f i\ ini ilolliirsr" Saint ivter asked, "Five dollars for my labor, five dollars for the material/' the builder explained. ” Sain i IV ter asked the cler- gyman, "Cun you fix them? Ten for the orphans’ fund, ten lor the church's building fond and ten I'm the poor box.” And you, cat] you hx them?

si Mordecol Richter does it for him in Lets Hear It far l\tmh. You’re probably planning to buy lingerie— something nice PLAYBILL FRIEDMAN ROBBINS WAV LI A KAU\ kj( iri.i-.k ope *\f 7 fit Rft ELL 5D5KI, n FJLUDET DIXON and kit}' and impractical — in which to wrap your special some- one for Christmas, Stephen Wolf's Women in l ndenoear, a delectable series of vignettes, explores ihe bias, teddies* panties and psyches of partly dad women, and the result is, well, most revealing, Larry Rivers, one of America's most ac- claimed artists, was entrusted with the intimate artwor k. Mv only criticism of her picto- rial is that ii entirely too brief Perhaps you could rectify this in a future issue. If you thought that your readers were so immature that we would be offended En pictures ol this beaut iiul transsexual, you underestimated us. " 143 144 By TOM ROBBIMS F THE Gl£N I LIS WAITRESS, I Sing. Even if she could find work in her chosen fieldt it wouldn't pay beans — so she slings them in- stead.

Rivers is also a jazz musician, which reminds 1 1 ^ to remind von that the Playboy Jazz . So grow some spine and publish more pictures of liila, as some of your international editions have done. Of hidden knowledge, buried ambition and secret sonnets scribbled on cocktail napkins; of aching arches, ranting cooks, condescending patrons and eyes turned from ancient Greece to ancient grease; of burns and pinches and savvy and spunk; of a uniquely Ameri- can woman living a uniquely American compro- mise, I sing. (The genius waitress is not to be confused with the aspiring-actress waitress, so prevalent in Manhattan and Los Angeles and so different from her sister in temperament and LQ,) As a type, the genius waitress is sweet and sassy, funny and smart; young, underestimated, fatalistic, weary, cheery (not happy, cheerful; There’s a differ- ence and she understands it), a tad bohemian, often borderline alcoholic, frequently pretty (though her hair reeks of kitchen and bar); as independent as an ocelot (though ever hopeful of “true love") and, above all, genuine .

Mugsy digs our Blazer* watch with built' in compass. He navel led 1,650 feet at seven loot per sect Hid lick *re lie was spat into a canal at the power station. TIMEX / Hid Mir irari Tr- • • 8 - " r J ‘ 'V 1 ‘i ■ . Never iear; Playboy's here to steer you through these perilously merry holidays To get some historical perspective, we sent Bruce Jay Friedman back to where it all began* Jerusalem, to check out the Holy Land in these unholy times.

Bill is wearing a water-resistant Timex men’s watch. (We tried to send him to Bethlehem* but there was no room at the inn.) In Aty Jerusalem, Friedman takes a close look at what makes the sacred, and often dangerous, citv so fascinating.

No matter how impeccable your behavior, there’s bound to be a time when you find yourself going at it hammer and tongs with your significant other hi H&W to Argue, Michael Crichton, author of The Andromeda Strain , reveals ways to come out a w inner — and still have sex, I lie illustration is bv Guy Blllouf.

We beamed Contribut- ing Editor David Sheff to Ithaca, New York, lo conduct the Playboy Interview with the man who, perhaps alone among his peers, is able to translate arcane theory into fascinating conversation. OTOKi *Nt C»WW5l rjr ADd Rl SS SEND T'O KJVrt Kj Y SUHSCftl RTKi Nft. HND NEW AND 0U3 UDMS9B AMO Ail QW AS DAYS FOR CMANffl L POSTMASTER To PLA-n JOY, PCI IKK 3WJT MAn LAN. Should you ever be lucky enough to be taken home by her to that studio apartment with the jer- ry-built bookshelves and Frida Kahlo posters, you will discover that whereas in the public dining room she is merely as proficient as she needs to be, in the private bedroom she is blue gourmet. Afterward, you can discuss chaos theory or the triple aspects of the mother goddess in uni- versal art forms — while you massage her feet.Just enough ex pen terrain to keep the hot dogs happy and loads of hoc-looking women in stretch pants**' Felix Mc Grath has the kind of credits that turn heads even before you see him ski.A former Olympian, seven-time Nor Am Champion, five-time National Champion and once ranked third overall in the world among slalom skiers, he says his favorite ski spots are Park City; Alta and Deer Valley, uncharacteristical- ly simple terms, What We Get by Giving, Nor would die season be complete without a consideration of w ho’s naughty and who's nice, and we have (he luwdown in The Christmas Tin List.Both pieces are must reading if you care two farthings about charity. ” the at- / r to Miey asked, "Oli, I si ill love her very much/ the man tr replied, “but all she wants is sex.

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When you’re out of lunar orbit, come down to earth with 20 Questions subject Joe Pesd, winner of the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in Good folios* Julie Bain weathered Pesci’s graphic demonstration or how to rip oil someone's nose to pose hard-hitting questions about growing up in Newark, dealing with real (as opposed to movie ! Eventually, she leaves food service for gradu- ate school or marriage, but unless she wins a grant or a fair divorce settlement, chances are she'll be back, a few years down the line, reciting the daily specials with her own special mixture of frustration and warmth.